TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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