Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My cat gives me a boner
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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