she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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