you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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