i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
