if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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