the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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