My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
