I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
