so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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