I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
