Can Purell be used as lube?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
