I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
