how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
