i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
