I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
