I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
