Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
