i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
