can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
