I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
