I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
