Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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