It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
