A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
