Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
