I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
40s are totally the cure
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
