at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am one with the molecules
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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