Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I faked an abortion last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
