I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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