She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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