Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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