he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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