i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
