I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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