it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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