I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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