He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
