Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Couch. On fire.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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