Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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