I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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