Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
