Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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