I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
FUCK WHALES
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