i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
