When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I party with great urgency now.
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