We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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