My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
