i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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