Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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