the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
