did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
