I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i now understand why vodka
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
